"Both Sides Of The Fence"
(Written by MaryAnn Newman)

You know when someone you love and care very much for becomes sick or very ill it is very hard to handle. Or if you yourself all of a sudden almost over night gets knocked down from an illness it is not easy. Either side of the fence is very hard. 1.) The fears of not knowing sometimes night away if its Cancer or not. 2.) The fears of the Cancer once you know. 3.) The fear of what are the chances with the cancer can you be cured or do you start making your last arrangements. 4.) The fear of the treatment if there is a treatment for the cancer. 5.) The fear of what it is going to do to the rest of the family and friends. The pressure it puts on the family and friends who love you and you love and neither side wants to see the other hurt. 6.) Then if all the above isn't enough,the fear and worry of the cost of the treatment of cancer. Well I have been on both sides of the fence so to speak. At the age of 10 years old I lost my father with cancer. Being so young I don't remember a whole lot. I do know it was even worse then, than it is now as there where not many things they knew about cancer it was harder to treat. But as a child of 10, just the lost of my dad from the disease was hard enough. Then there was my mom, because she lost my dad when my brother and I was still very young, She had to leave us a lot in foster homes and with sitters. So we where never really close. So just when I was getting to really know her she was diagnosed with Cancer. She was so afraid, she had watched my dad die with cancer at sort of an early age. And even though they had problems among themselves it was hard for her, because she did love him in her own way. Which too many people it may not have seemed like she did. But that was just her. Even with me she had a hard time of showing her love. As I got older, I learned to understand the best I could but more so to just except and love her the way she was. She had a hard life, things where not always easy for her raising two kids by herself and working two jobs most of the time. Then when we get grown and she has lived through raising us and she thinks she can relax and take it easy the rest of her life she gets cancer. She was so afraid of cancer, she had always told my brother and I if she ever got Cancer she would kill herself. So my brother and I thought for her best interest when she did get cancer we wouldn't let the doctor tell her. For fear we would loose her from taking her own life. The doctor agreed because there was not much they could do for her kind of cancer. Then a year past and they told us we had to tell her, because they wanted to try Chemotherapy on her. Oh God do I remember that day. She was so upset. She was so angry with all of us, But most of all she was so afraid. I guess you can say she was between a rock and a hard spot. She was afraid of dying and afraid of living with cancer. She was a strong person in her own way and very independent and now she felt very helpless. She tried to kill herself. And yes her mind stopped. She even wanted to kill all of us. She was afraid to leave us behind, because all her life she had worked so hard to take care of us and I think in her mind if she left we couldn't make it on our own with out her. The treatments made her very ill. There were times she just wanted to die. Then there were times she didn't even know she was in this world. Then after a two-year battle with cancer she lost. She died April 22 on her 66th Birthday at 2:00am in the morning. Yes it was a hard two years on her and it was hard on me. Hard on me because I wanted to know more about this lady I had learned in that two years to love and admire and now she was gone. You see when she finally had the time to let me know her, Her time was up. But I do thank God for letting me have two years of course two years out of a persons lifetime wasn't very long. I just wish people who are living in this fast and crazy world would only stop and think, before it is to late. You see you never know when time is going to run out. Now my mom is gone and I go back home to try and put my family back in order. My youngest child Ray a wonderful and loving child. Took sick on 19th of August. He was admitted into the Hospital. The doctors where not sure what was wrong with Ray. He was 4 years old. He was born with down syndrome and they have so many medical problems. They had told us sense he was born he was going to die. Because of all his health problems. Than on the 29th on August we were told this small and loving child had Leukemia. Yes another cancer to meet and deal with. This time my son, My Baby. We were sent to a Children's hospital were we met Dr.Ducan. He started telling us all about this cancer. Of courses it hadn't been, but 4 months sense I had lost my mom with cancer. And of course the first thing that came to my mind was now I was going to lose my Baby to this terrible disease too! So I sat there trying so hard to listen what the doctor was saying. He told us that Rays cancer where good in one way because of the kind of Leukemia he had. Than he told us because of all his other problems he may not make it the first 6 weeks of the Chemotherapy. The Chemotherapy! Oh how could I see my son go threw Chemotherapy after watching my mom suffer so much with it. Of course even with everything going through my mind good and hard. I sign the papers for my child to be treated. Then things are kind of settled down in the hospital room I have sometime to try and think. I say try because my mind has just taken in so much I'm not even sure myself what is really going on. I stopped, my first thought God why? What has this baby done to have to go through this, or worse God what have I done so wrong? This child has been through so much already Lord, He has been fighting for his life sense the day he was born. There were times where we had to fight for every breath he took. But we wouldn't give up! I say we because for every breath he took for himself, I took 2 and sometimes 3. Now we had to fight again but a different kind of fight. And even harder fight it seemed. But most of all I had to be strong. And I had to be strong enough for the both of us, Because I had to help him fight and give him enough love and strength to want to fight back. Yes it is not a easy battle for the patient or the one who is caring and loving that person. Well almost 9 years has past now and thank God Ray is doing great and our prayers are answered and our fighting has paid off. This time with Gods help we won this fight with cancer so far. I say so far because with cancer you never know. Only God knows! Now 9 years later after Ray was diagnosed I found lumps on a Sunday in my left breast. Well of course I felt in my heart it was cancer, I just knew. Then on October 14th it was confirmed, I had breast cancer. Now I'm on the other side of the fence. And I have to be honest, no matter how bad it gets, sometimes this side of the fence is not as bad as the other side. Yes, I am afraid and of course I hurt and feel bad, but the other side is so much worse emotionally! For my physical hurt the doctor can give me a pill or something to make me feel better. But, what do you give the love ones who is watching you go through the pain? A pill to make it feel better?!? You Can't! There is no way. Their hurt is deeper and can't be fixed with a pill. There fears can't be taken away with a pill. They feel helpless. They want to be able to make everything ok. And they don't know how. They have the fears of loosing someone they have loved and care very much for and the fear of what they are going through and the fear of what the treatment of cancer can do to them. Yes me the person who is fighting cancer is rough I would be a liar if I said it wasn't. My breast being removed, through the surgery was pain. Then getting home and getting back on your feet is kind of tough too! Then there is the treatment and I could see why my mom and Ray wanted to give up at that time. Because there were times I wanted to give up! Now not to sound like a preacher. I get down on my knees and I ask God for help. Yes there were fights with cancer my Dad, Mom, Ray, and now me!

I stop and say, "God please help me, give me the strength I need to fight, give Bob and my children the strength to fight, but through it all give them the far sight to see that every cloud has a silver lining." There is good in all bad. I thank You God for the courage and for the will to fight satan!" Though all of this it is hard, with God's help you can make it. God can take this time if you let him and make it good for you If you will Trust him!

"My Turn With the Cancer"
"In The Beginning"

There are times I don't think of what the cancer is doing to me. Or what the treatment is doing to me. I worry of what the Cancer and the treatment that I'm going threw is doing to my husband. Bob has been so wonderful threw all of this. But he doses not talk to me much bout it. But, because I have been where he is too I know it is a different, and sometimes harder than what I understand. He has so many things to deal with so many fears to handle and I'm sure he feels I'm going through enough so he can't share those fears with me. He has the worry of taken care of me. And the worry of loosing me. The cost of taken care of me along with the cost of other bills. The fear of helplessness when I cry at times, because he doesn't know what to say or how to say it. He can't make it better so he feels he has failed. The need of a break from it all then the guilt for wanting a break then if you get the break God forbid if something does go wrong while your gone then dealing with more guilt. Then his mom has cancer too and he has the fears of loosing the both of us. These fears are harder to deal with at times than any physical pain I am going through. Then there is the worry of my Children. There's John he is right here in the mist of it all. He is 16 and God knows that age is hard enough to deal with by it self. He was to young when his Grandmother died to really know what was going on. Then with Ray he knew he was very sick and that Ray and I were gone a lot. Then his dad and I divorced it was hard on him and like most teenagers he blamed himself. And now just when he is starting to get his life in order and by excepting his step dad Then here I get sick with Cancer, which he doesn't really understand too much. But again I have to leave him for a stay in the hospital Then I come home and he has to help take care of me. Which he has done a wonderful job of doing the best he knows how. How can all of this sink in? It has got to be hard for him. Then there is Ray, he knows mom is sick, He can understand some. He can remember what he went through He fears his mom going through that. He tries to shut me out when I talk to him. His house parents says he don't want to hear mom hurting like he did. He is in a home to learn how to be self-efficient and to be able to take care of his self when he grows up. Then there is Tammy. She has her hands full with her family in another state. And is fixing to have another baby her too she has fears. Being older she did see some of what her grandmother went through. Then with Ray she was a big help she could take care of him as well as I could, So she seen a great deal of what he went through so her fears is seeing her mom going through that, and having a family of her own and unable to be any help. That can be very tuff to deal with in itself.

"Ending Statement"

With everything I have written and everything I can say or feel about being on both sides of the fence All that's left to say is this, even though both sides are very hard. And can be very frightening that if you have God on side you and give it all to Him He can bring you through it all. If you are on the side of the fence looking through the pain of cancer hurting a person you love and care about if you put you faith and trust in God He can help take the pain away! There is no medicine Or pill a doctor can give you for this pain, Only God can take it away, If you just let Him He can give you courage and strength that you couldn't begin to think you have. If you are on the side of the fence where the cancer and the treatments are trying to get the best of you and satan is trying to use the pain for his favor, you just call out to God, the Lord will help make it feel better and easier to deal with. The pill and medicine the doctor gives you can take the edge off the physical pain but only God can take the emotional pain away forever. If you will just put it at the foot of the cross and then let the blood of Christ take the worry and pain away. I guess what I am trying to say is "No Matter" what side of the fence you are on. God is on both sides and can get you through to you and pull you through it all! God Bless, MaryAnn Newman

"From Tam"

Wow how do you top that or "finish" that I think God already has this finished You have to know this wasn't easy typing this, reading all this, remembering things, dealing again and "facing" things I don't want to. So I will end this by saying just these few things Some things I learned that I never knew. My grandmother wanting to kill herself. I cried I miss my maw-maw and I remember her in that nursing home and it was horrible. I remember how helpless and angry I was because I didn't want her there I also didn't know she had cancer until I was older I just knew my grandmothers things were being sold and stolen by someone in the family who was greedy and that she went into a deep depression when she was put in a nursing home. I wanted her to come to our house. My mom is a good mom and even thou I felt alone so many times as a child or felt I needed to run, as a mother now I have learned from this You have got to talk to your kids. You don't keep things from people you care about there is no protecting them from the truth. I was angry that they didn't tell her she was sick. I never knew that either. But as mom always says "hine site is 20/20". I hold no blame for the things that happened just learned more. I know they did what they thought was right at that time Ray....my heart This is something that is very sensitive for me. If you read my testimony then I don't have to tell you of when he was in the hospital and I walked out because I couldn't handle what I seen. I miss Ray more then anything else I have ever and I guess its so much easier to Not think of it then "FACE" reality. Ray is grown up now and so am I and we have to live our lives, but I never get to see him. I can't tell you how many times I just wanted(still want) to take him with me, but as mom told me we have to think of what he needs. He's now learning independent living. The times I took care of Ray I never realized it was getting me ready to care for my child Josh- Sick with lung problems and seizures. I was prepared to handle things as a single parent I can remember the "rock a thon" and "skate a thon" those were the different things we did to raise money for the special things Ray needed. We survived all of this because God never took HIS hands off of us. He had/has everything carefully planned. Moms cancer... The hardest thing wasn't her having it it was that I wasn't allowed to be there. One answer to a question you may have..why? Marvin. We moved across the state when his mother said she had cancer turned out(God rest her soul)she lied to make him move and here was my mother only hours away and I wasn't allowed to go my mother. To this day mom will drop and come to me anytime I need her. She did just a month ago when I had the biopsy on my lungs talk about feel helpless. Yes I was pregnant but it doesn't Matter thats my mother. It was only a 2 hour drive he moved me all time and he did worse while I was pregnant. I can remember mom's cancer much and I didn't talk of this much. To be honest, for whatever the reason I cant remember allot from that time in my life. I do remember going to mom's after it was all over for the most part and to break the ice I think more then anything my sweet mom as I was coming out of her room threw her prosthesis at me hehe yes she threw it at me and we talked some then I think in her way she knew my pain of it all in a nut shell and it was her way to say Tam..I'm ok Then I cleaned her house like I use to when I was younger and she couldn't find a thing hehehe. My JuJu had to call me and ask me where things were after I went home. So If I ended this story as mom told me to then it would be this.... As my mom said in her last statement Give it all to GOD no matter what it is. He is better and bigger and more equipped for the load. Don't pick it back up once you give it to Him and when all else fails and things feel like they are falling apart PRAISE HIM sing and sing fill yourself in HIS Presence He will swoop down and lift you up and give you strength you never knew you possessed and on the family note; be honest, be supportive, be open, and remember you never know when the last time is that you see those loved ones. Make every moment count! Look UP! Hold Your head UP! Raise Your hands UP! Reach UP! Let God Touch You! Love Tam

"The Prayer"

John 11:4 When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby.

God, I give this prayer up to you, this morning. Take this time of sickness in my life and use it, and me Lord for Your Glory God. Make me strong Lord, so that I can face the day, and the days to come. I ask your forgiveness Lord for my sins, and your forgiveness, where I have put you on the back row of my life Lord for too long. Lord I ask that you touch me this morning and let me feel thy presence. I know Lord you Never leave your children, but there are times, that your children leave you, and they don't hear you. My flesh is weak and satan gets a hold of me, at times and I get weaker. Lord I want to be strong, I want to show the world, Lord that with your help, and your wisdom, that this illness this cancer, can and will be healed. And use to Glorify your name Lord. Let it make Bob and I closer, to you Lord, and closer to one other, and to help show, Johnny, Ray, Tammy, & all our family that as long as we have you Lord, and ALLOW you to show through us. And show others, that you walk with us, and that as long as we have you Lord all things are possible, Help us to be strong, and show us how we can lean on you Lord, and make the weight lighter to carry. Lord help me to be strong, Lord I don't want to cause my family any pain or burden I want to be strong Lord Give me strength. Make me whole inside Lord so that I don't miss the part they are taking from me this morning, Let the Holy Spirit fill me so I don't feel any emptiness from the surgery. Help me to face the days to come with pride in my heart, and in my soul for you Lord, so that the flesh will mean little to me. I know Lord as long as I have you, in me and to walk with me I can do this. Use me Lord, to show others as long as they have you and the Holy Spirit with them, they need not miss any parts that man can take from them In Jesus Name I Pray this. Lord, let our children see how easier life can be Lord with you first in their lives. Lord I give myself, My husband, and my Family up to you. I lay it all at the foot of the cross. Lord because you live I can face Tomorrow I ask all this in Jesus Name, Amen!

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